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Saturday, February 03, 2007
it scares me how so many people are going recently- be it people whom i know or the loved ones of people whom i know. ive gone for 4 wakes during the past 4-5 months. that's an average of one per month.
death.
despite knowing that we and the people around us will have to die eventually, i guess it's something that scares everyone, Christian or not, and it affects everyone just that the intensity of it varies. i used to wonder when i was younger why people would mourn for someone who had gone to a place much better than the earth, but i grew to understand that even though we know we're see each other again, the physical separation is the difficult part- not being able to see the person again, not being able to hear the persons voice, not being able to be around the person. we're humans after all, being able to see someone physically gives us security.
out of all the wakes ive been to since young, only [?] 2 of them were from my family. ive never tried writing about the entire experience before because i hate writing things which will risk the first was my uncle-in-law when i was p5. he passed away suddenly too from a blood vessel in his brain which burst when he was working. he was in a coma and he didnt make it through after 2 days. i was pretty close to him and we visited him in the ICU. and i still remember when david called me and told me "peiling you know what. my dad just died" in a shaky voice. but i guess in a way it brought the families closer together. david never used to speak much during family gatherings, it was always his 2 other siblings. but during the wakes, i talked to him a lot, and became his "personal bodyguard" as his friends said. where he was i was and vice versa. i knew all of his friends, i knew a lot more about him then i ever did. but one thing that i admired him about was that although he was 15, never once was he angry with God [or at least he didnt tell me anything about it] and he was the one encouraging his mum, siblings, everyone single one of us. such was his faith. but when the body was cremated, he broke, so did caleb who had been trying to be strong since he was the oldest guy now. i asked him a lot later about it, and said that although his dad was dead, his physical body was still there and he could look at him. but the whole thing about not being able to see him ever again just sunk in when the body was reduced to ashes.
the next one was my grandpa when i was 12. yesterday was his 3rd death anniversary. 020204. i remember being woken up by my parents in the morning to pray for my grandpa who had a sudden heart attack in the house. i wasnt really awake then. but a while later my aunty called to say that he's gone. it took a while before i was able to fully get it. and i started crying. i just saw him 2 weeks ago when we met in malacca for cny. and i just heard him on the phone the past sunday when he called us as he always did every sunday, and i regretted and still regret procrastinating and ended up having to chiong everything on sunday, and was very impatient when i was talking to him. if only i knew. we packed our things in a hurry and my dad drove back to malaysia. it was scary in the car. my dad was all quiet, he hadnt cried. yet. and i know he's still very sad about not being able to see my grandpa before he went home. my brother was too shocked to do anything. my mum and my sis were in the stage-after-crying. i was trying to stop my tears from coming again. i played the cd, "still" came on. and i couldnt help but start crying all over again because it was so comforting. and so for those who still dont know why i love still, youve got it. when i reached there, i remember being angry. feeling pissed at the ambulance people because they took like 1 hour to reach the house [the inefficiency of the emergency stuff in malaysia. feeling pissed at myself for being an idiot for procrastinating and not talking to him properly on sunday. feeling pissed at God for taking away my grandpa without any warning. i remember asking God why He chose to take away my grandpa at this time, why He couldnt let us celebrate my grandpas 80th birthday later that year before taking him away, why He couldnt have like shown me something so i could tell my grandpa everything i wanted to. it took me months to stop being pissed. i was 12 then, and my faith was weaker than it is now, so it wasnt strong at all, it was very weak. i was very close to my grandpa despite the fact that i only saw him 4 times, or 6 times max a year. i loved him a lot, and i know he loved me a lot too, especially since we were his only grandchildren, and i was the youngest. i just wanted 1 more minute with him, 30 seconds, 10 seconds no just enough time to tell him i loved him. i spoke during the last day of the wake. my sis and bro did for the first 2 days. i tried to make myself emotionally detached so i wouldnt start crying. but i failed, terribly. though now peiling has mastered the art of becoming numb. less than halfway thru, i started crying and barely made it to the end. the part when they closed the coffin and the burial process was the hardest. i cried the most times those few days in my entire life. having my grandma call us on sundays instead of my grandpa, receiving the annual birthday card written by my grandma instead of my grandpa, going back to malaysia and not seeing my grandpa etc. i remember helping to clear his things, and we found this box where he kept all the things he felt were precious. and i found the birthday cards we sent him, and this thing which i did when i was 3 and my parents passed it to him, and a the eggshell face i drew when i was 5 etc. and as the years pass, i can feel my memories of my grandpa fading away slowly. i dont want it to, but i cant help it.
i can go on and on about all the wakes ive been to but i shant. i'll just leave it at the 2 people from my family. most of the wakes ive been to are christian ones, some are budhist. i mean i dont mean to differentiate and all but the difference is quite great- the way the family responds, the way the wake is conducted. note: these are based on only the budhist wakes that ive been to. christian families appear to have more peace and comfort and all. perhaps it's the comfort that he/ she has gone to a better place, perhaps it's the knowing that we'll see him/ her again, perhaps it's just the knowledge that God is in control of everything. and it's amazing, because they go to the God who has just called their loved one back home. it's rather contradictory actually if you see it from a certain point of view, it's as if God killed your loved one, you should see Him as your enemy and start cursing and swearing. but no, it's exactly that same God who offers and gives you the peace and comfort that nothing and noone else can.
there's the whole "treasure your life and the people around, live each day as if it's your last" thing which ive learnt since i was very young. but i guess it really takes things actually taking place before we start to really take action, only to have it die down a few months/ years later. ive had it die down for the past few years but im determined not to this time round, though it's going to be terribly hard. for one valentines day's coming up. technically one doesnt have to wait for it to tell people that you love them but it just seems weird, or at least for me to jump up in front of someone and say "hey you know what, i love you." but what happens if i go before valentines day. honestly i dont want to go now, who does. but i just havnt told everyone whom i care about how much i care about them and said sorry to the people ive done wrong to and said thank you to those who have helped/ impacted me etc. and most importantly, i havnt done enough for Him yet, i havnt started living my life fully for Him. but if He chooses to call me back, i have no excuse, having been given 15 years to do whatever needed to be done. i should stop being an idiot and start learning how to say "i love you" "im sorry" and "thank you" to people easily.
on another note, my blog is becoming too public. people have been finding their way here for some reason. im considering changing my url, or switching to diaryland [man i still miss diaryx] so maybe i shall just not care about those people, since most of the time they come not to read but to tag rubbish =D
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
